Ah. Finally, a breath. What if I didn’t put any thought into an entire work of writing? What if I truly, fully let it all come out and allowed it to just be so? What would I have? Well, I would have something like what is here right now. What is here right now is a reflection of what is inside of me in this moment. Is that true? That these words were inside me at a time? Or is it possible that these words are already on the page, and I just happen to be the key to revealing them? Who is to say that the page is not inside of us, as are the words? In my imagination, I can see a page with words written in invisible ink. Perhaps the writing that is being done in this moment is happening in that way. It’s already written, I am just coming along and using my light to expose what has always been. Every blank page holds space for multiple possibilities. The possibility that comes into being, what is that dependent on? Focus? Intention? The one who is with the blank page? Now, things are getting difficult. I am so proud of the damn invisible ink metaphor thing that I am thinking again. I even thought about writing “I am thinking”. I just read in a book today that we don’t think, that thinking happens to us. Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, was the source of that. If thinking is happening to me, who is causing the thinking to happen in this way? If thinking happens to me, wouldn’t that mean that something that is not me is thinking for me? That must be what it means to be free of thought, to have nothing thinking within you. I ask for guidance before I continue on. I wish to write from that special place beyond thought, and I know I can. I connect with spaces beyond thought with my breath and with thought itself. It’s funny to me that we transcend thought through thought. Someone must have had the thought some day, “I want to sit in silence,” and that sitting led to being and that being was beyond thought. Does thought proceed everything? Or are there some things that just come into being, without thought at all? When I find myself quite thought-less I don’t make much sense, I’m less dense, out of tense, meaning past present and future. I have confidence in this skill of mine, I often see success in my future. I would hope that this piece of writing would be entertaining, I believe that it is. My one challenge is with where to send my work, or how to even send it in. I can do all of this in the moment. I can do it anywhere, with anyone. I can even speak like this, it doesn’t have to necessarily be typed. Anyways, I’m talented. Cool. What about you? Where do you feel most called to place your energy? Time is valuable, a hot commodity. Now, it’s difficult to stop rhyming, as you can see. I prefer my writing to write itself, it’s so much more fun that way. Sometimes I write with the writing, for example, when I said “so much more fun”, back a few words, a voice inside said “1000 times more fun”. However my body just typed so much more. What is that inner conflict? How curious I am about that. It is fascinating to me that I can hear from inside of my body, yet, my body can act in a way that is different than what I hear. I’m not so sure that words exist for the experience I am having. I don’t believe that anything is private. It can’t be. If I can hear my own thoughts, there must be something or someone else hearing them too. And if I consider what Mr. Tolle wrote about thoughts, this experience inside of me seems to be even more fascinating. When I say me, I am referring to my body. However, I am not 100% certain that thought truly occurs inside of my body. It seems that it is, but not everything is as it seems. When I breathe deeper and focus on where these words come from. Wow. I just did. Sound slowed down. I don’t know how else to share. I started this piece of writing with a question “What if I didn’t put any thought into an entire work of writing?” In this moment, I must correct myself because there has been a lot of thought here. I believe that the question could be evolved to be around my ability to produce a piece of writing without thought. Perhaps I will write in this way more often, to see if as I practice pure creation, flow of action without thought, my writing will change. Maybe, people will find that exciting to witness. This is my first time doing this, and I would enjoy doing it again. To clarify, what I am doing is just writing, there is no purpose or topic. However, it seems that part of me is determined to fashion some sort of objective, audience, topic, and goal. I find that interesting. I would like to just write, but that doesn’t seem entirely possible. As I’ve gone further and further on, it seems to be more and more challenging not to think. Suddenly, I want this creation to be good. I’m wondering where or when it will be read, and by who. I didn’t have those thoughts earlier in time, where I had only just written “ah. Finally a breath.” When I began, there was no inner voice present, and now, there is an inner voice reading each word with me as I am typing. Is is possible that my inner experience has become one with the outer experience? Should I allow myself to release judgement of this change I am witnessing? It seems there are two choices now in front of me: to analyze the inherent positivity and negativity of the new experience of the inner voice in conjunction with the outer creation of words on paper or to ignore whether it is good or bad and just choose to experience. I always breathe before I make choices. There is an energy present within me that is curious about the experience of the creation of this piece of writing. Is it good that I am reading each word that I type as I type it? Is this anxiety? Is this just anxiety pushed out? Has this been inside of me? All I can think now is wow… good thing I practice meditation. Imagine what the inside of my mind would be like without it! Should I be on meds? No. Immediately no. I love science. Pharmacy is both intellectually thrilling and satisfying to me, however I do not wish to have any products of pharmacy in my body. If my mind is insane, let it live on doing so. I want to experience me. Whatever happens… I think I scared myself. The experience is changing again. “Why don’t you just breathe Christina?” I hear. That’s my intuition, I’m sure of that. Okay, I will just breathe. Well, kinda hard to just breathe when I’m writing. I don’t want to take one second away from this very important work that I am doing to ‘just breathe’. Namaste grinding. Just kidding. Five minutes of breath work. Sign me up. This work could use more presence and deeper awareness, it’s getting weird and not the kinda weird I enjoy. This voice inside of me doesn’t seem to want the worst for me. It seems to want to live life as me. It’s 1:08 AM and I can’t get enough of life. Writing without personal thought. I think that is a more accurate description of this project. I would say that those 2 sentences came from me only because it was silent inside when I wrote them. But, other times when I write, I can hear the words before I write. I used to think that I was hearing God, now I wonder, am I hearing ego? What is the difference if any, between God and ego? God has created ego? Or is ego an expression of God? We all have a voice inside our mind. For some people it may come in different sounds or volumes. For some people this voice may only ever sound like their own voice. I wish I could know right now, what yours was like. Mine sounds like me, for now. Sometimes after I’ve listened to someone talk, my inner dialogue is just like their voice. Sometimes, that scares me. I definitely have some attachment to hearing my own voice in my mind. It’s comforting. Written word is unique in that way, compared to audiobooks, video content, or podcasts. When word is written, we can read in our own inner voice. When word is spoken to us, we don’t have that choice. Or is that choice an illusion? Mr. Tolle wrote that we don’t think, thinking happens to us. Would it be true to then say that we don’t talk to ourselves? Could it be that talking happens to us? Who are we? Really? If we aren’t the ones who are thinking and we aren’t the ones who are speaking, who is? And if this piece of writing is coming from thought that is happening to me, who is writing this book? I am.
Why did I want to live without thought so badly? Things just seemed to be easier that way. That’s not true. What’s true is that I am a person who likes to be “good”. I have always been the “good girl”. I have this idea in my mind that it is good to live life without thought, that thought is harmful to spirit. It has always been my wish to be as close to spirit as I can.
Christina Ariana 