“It’s okay to feel sad when you’re going through a break-up,” I say to myself, as I take a deep breath a let my heart settle. Love. Partnership. A few months ago, I wanted those things more than anything else in this world. I know I deserve those things, and that I’m good for those things. The opportunities that I have to fall in love with someone else are overflowing. It’s easy for me, to appreciate men and it’s easy for them to appreciate me too. I fall in love with their patterns, the way they feel deeply, the way their minds work, how they spend their time, what they’re passionate about. I love how badly they want to care for others and support others. Now, I know not every man is like this, but these are the men I’ve known, and the men I have fallen in love with, in the past.
Most recently, I fell in love with an older man with two kids. I made the mistake of misjudging my ability to be cautious. I thought I was being cautious. I thought I was asking the right questions, but this connection took me exactly where I was afraid I would go. The place I’m afraid of is a type of certainty. The type of certainty that I’m speaking on makes you feel like the man you’re in love with is the last and only man you will ever love like the way you’re loving him right now. I got to that place quickly with this man.
We met on December third, on a boat. To be completely honest, when I first met him, I was confused by his energy. He wasn’t someone who gave off open, high, or loving energy at all. But, when I looked into his eyes, I was in touch with the same still presence I often resided in before bed and in the morning, in my meditation. I was curious. How was it that I felt so resistant to being close to this man, yet when our eyes locked, getting close to him seemed like the best thing to do?
With our connection growing quickly, I tried to stay as present as I could with God, and with time when I was with this man. I wanted this connection to be protected from my past. I wanted this connection to be good for me. Which I could say that everything is good for me, it’s life, created by God, it always has a purpose. But still, I just wanted it to have the space for this connection be different, fresh, and ultimately better than my past experiences. I thought I had to control life in order to experience the life that I wanted. Do you smell my lack of trust in God’s path coming off the screen??? I felt that in order to control the trajectory of this connection, that presence was key. What I was missing in all of this, was trust. I took on all of the weight of navigating this new part of my life as if I was the creator of it. I thought I was following new patterns… like waiting to sleep with him, asking more questions about him, consciously growing our connection, focusing on getting to know him, as a human being. I thought I knew exactly how to navigate this new love. But without trust in God, knowledge was nothing.
Over time, I lost focus on getting to know God. It was difficult to notice, because it happened so slowly. This man began to take up so much space in my heart, and I had so much focus on attaining what I thought would be the most special experience in my life, that I lost the thing that was truly the most special thing to me, my relationship with my creator. When I was introduced to two of this man’s best friends, I felt like our connection would definitely be long term. I began to develop a false sense of security. He wanted to introduce me to his kids soon, too.
Things were moving fast, faster than we both expected. On December 17th, after an emotionally difficult experience with my Mother, with whom I’ve had a complicated relationship with my entire life, this man and I went to Busch Gardens together. I was excited to forget about what had happened in the afternoon and do something fun. Why not make it even more fun with some sativa/Delta 8? The night was hazy. I threw up. I had unprotected sex that I wouldn’t exactly describe as consensual. But because of the way I felt about this man, I assumed we would have had sex in the future anyways. I let the night go. I wanted to move on. I didn’t want to see that things were headed in a negative direction.
Over the next two weeks, I couldn’t find any sort of calm. One moment I was completely anxious, the next I was detached and numb. I was spiraling. It was during this time that I felt God call me to spend the New Year’s Eve weekend in solitude. It was also conveniently during this time that I was asked to spend the weekend with these new people in my life. New Years Eve weekend was a weekend of alcohol, sex, delta 8, more alcohol, and other drugs, and now we’re here. I touched the lowest places my energy has every occupied in my life, and I know it was needed. I believe that God needed to wake me up to what’s really important in this life. Protecting my health is something I need to invite God to do for me. Protecting my brain, my mind, my perception is something I need to invite God to do for me. Protecting my heart, is something Jesus will do if I just let him hold my heart, instead of clutching onto it myself. I needed to place my trust in Him, to lean not on my own understanding.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
I feel so changed from what I just experienced. So, in a way, I am grateful for the heartbreak I’m moving though, because God is now a bigger part of my life than I have ever seen Him be. I don’t waste my breath anymore on skipping over the truth. I know that I won’t compromise my character again. It’s okay to feel sad when you’re going through a break-up. It’s also okay to feel grateful, at peace, and relieved. There is so much to feel. I’m grateful God has gifted me with the opportunity to be alive with all of this. This life of mine is precious to me, and now, I know for sure, how precious my life is to Him too. There’s a plan for all of us, and God is always, always here.