I live in a world where I truly believe that my thoughts create my reality. I work on consciously thinking and speaking about what I wish to experience. Because of this, I find it difficult to communicate with rational thinkers. I feel like I have this sense of trust for life that causes panic in others. My boyfriend didn’t feel as safe as I did in Mexico. I originally imagined I would be running my business from Mexico, finding work there, and connecting with so many people. That intention wasn’t shared with my boyfriend. We fought a lot. The trip lasted two weeks, and when I came back, I was exhausted. Not physically, but spiritually. I felt so disconnected from light, love, goodness, and trust. I felt like I had nothing to depend on. I hated myself. I hated the choices I was making. My bank account was getting lower and lower every day, and so was I. I tried to get back into meditation, but it was a major challenge. What was once an hour of bliss and presence was now complete despair. I also had no connection to my intuition, which made decision making almost impossible.
I lived with my boyfriend’s parents for about a week and spent a lot of time watching movies. We got back into the gym, which felt good. I would have moments of happiness and connection, but then dive back down into lack and separation. I felt like I was this happy, blessed woman, and I wanted to feel that way, yet something inside of me didn’t allow me to.
Feeling weighed down, I brought everyone around me too. I started pointing out things that my boyfriend wasn’t doing, thinking that he was the problem. We decided to take time apart, so I drove to my parent’s home.
Once I was alone, I started to see and feel how far away from myself I was. I started to see how dim I was. I started to miss my light, and was committed to moving back towards it.
There’s this metaphor, one that means a lot to me, that has to do with your purpose. One time when I was thinking about purpose, I thought of the life of a sea turtle. When sea turtles are born, they hatch on the beach and use the light of the moon to travel to the ocean. Sometimes, unfortunately, the baby turtles see the lights of the city and they think that is the moon. They walk towards the city and end up dying in the roads.
I feel like that was what happened to me, in this whole phase of my life. I forgot about the true guiding light within me, and when I was without that light, I thought that a relationship would fulfill me. I was chasing all of the wrong things.
The time that I spend with my parents was the darkest time of my life. I was wrestling with a suicide demon. Something in my mind was audibly telling me to kill myself, even though I truly had no desire to. In times of experiencing this energy through sound, I would have to scream to get it to stop. With that, because of my lack of inner authority and direction, every suggestion my parents made was something I followed and moved towards. I was applying to corporate jobs just for the money. Doing something without my heart, was painful, even though it was something that my parents wanted for me. I knew that I had to move out of their space, I felt like I was going to continually spiral down and latch onto a version of myself I didn’t want to be.
I was presented with an offer from a friend to rend out his extra bedroom for a few months. Again, my mom disapproved, because he was someone that I had dated in the past. It was incredibly frustrating to find connection with my intuition, feel good about a choice, and have it be knocked down by my mom. I was mad at the world, confused on how something that felt so right to me, could seem extremely dangerous and induce fear for my mom. This made me question our connection. How could it be that we disagreed on so many of my decisions that I truly felt good about. This was around the time that there was a claim made about this being ‘rock bottom’, but to me, I was on the up. I was living the hero’s journey. I was taking lead and making gold out of it. Although it looked rough on the outside, I just knew that it was life, beautiful life, being itself, and I had no judgements to make, only actions to take to keep moving forward.
I moved out in February, just before my 25th birthday.
To be continued…