Expanding Trust in Life

Everything around you, is you. If you don’t trust something in this world, you don’t trust something in you. If you don’t trust everything in you, you won’t trust everything in this world. There is nothing wrong with not having full trust in yourself. There is nothing wrong with not having full trust in this world.

Today I am in the JFK airport in New York City. I arrived here from Paris, France at 10pm. My next flight is going to Salt Lake City, Utah, and it leaves at 6:30am. I’ve been waiting in a corner of the airport check in area for a while now.

I met the woman who sat next to me a few moments ago, and we exchanged a few words. She told me about her trip to Istanbul, Turkey. About an hour passed and I had to go to the bathroom. I definitely wanted to leave my suitcase, and I thought it would be wise to take my backpack with me. I told the woman I was going to the bathroom and asked if she would be okay watching my things. She said, “yes leave it here!” I left all of my things, and walked to the bathroom.

As my body began moving towards the bathroom and away from my things, I watched thoughts come into my awareness quicker. Anxiety, fear, and worry, all three were present. After a few moments of listening to that worry, I heard a stronger, more clear voice inside of me say, “and what does your heart think?” I took my focus out of my thoughts and as I witnessed my heart… I was calm. The next thing I thought to myself was, “here I am, expanding my ability to trust life.”

You who is reading this might think I’m crazy. Why didn’t I just take my things with me, so that I didn’t have to worry? A question I would like to ask is, why would I miss an opportunity to show myself that this world has good people in it, good people that are trustworthy?

I trust in the flow of this life. I trust in the feelings in my heart. I watch my mind grow in awareness of the goodness of this world. It really can be a place of pure goodness. I believe that.

For anyone that is wondering, when I got back from the bathroom, my things were untouched. Some would say, “lucky you!” Luck is not a factor for me here, instead, a deep knowing of my connection/relationship with the universe, with everything that is here right now, is present. That truly is all that I need. This knowing of who I am leads me into the situations that are right for me. I trust my decisions because I trust myself to follow the highest callings of the universe. I welcome in greater trust in life. Amen.

My Biggest Regret

My biggest regret in this life is with the years of my life where I was not living life how I wanted to. However, I could say that I wanted to live my life how “I didn’t want to” because my soul was there for all of those years. Those years when the desires of my heart were unheard and brushed aside were created by God and I, despite how dark they were.

Those years created a woman who is determined, faithful, kind, and connected to her true essence. She is overflowing with passion for each step she sees on this journey of witnessing the experiences of the realities of her day dreams.

All is good. God is love and love is all.

Part of the Journey

I watched hands touch white moisturizer as I heard within myself, “it will not be easy.” I knew this voice, it was Jesus. I came alive inside and witnessed a smiling face. It had been a while since I heard his voice this clearly. I always found myself greeting Jesus with joy, no matter what he had to say. I felt him smile back, but only for a moment. He became serious and stern. He said, “I must tell you, you are not making it easy for yourself with all that you are doing. It will not be easy,” he paused, “but, it can be, if you follow me.”

Jesus was consistent in his efforts of leading my heart. There has not been one moment in my life as Christina where I was disappointed in myself, and he was not there. “Follow me into the heavens,” he continued. “Follow me into peace. Follow me into light.” Or did he say, follow me through light into love? Follow me into light through love? Ugh. I began speaking back. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough, or good enough rather, I don’t even know if I’m hearing you correctly,” I said. “You’ll learn,” he said with a tone that I wish I knew how to put into words. “Jesus, how do I know if I’m making the right decisions? How will I know if I’ve pleased you?” He replied, “do not try to please me. I am eternally pleased. My peace does not waver. How often does your peace waver?” “Often,” I said back. “Remember, you are perfect in God’s eyes, but stay vigilant in your inner desire for perfection, it keeps you sharp. It is true to say that you are imperfect in your journey towards peace. However, your own awareness of your imperfection is perfect, to me. You are always right where I want you to be, and I can always find you where you are. I will bring you peace. You are not designed to find it on your own. Worry not about what your decisions are. Instead, concern yourself with your own peace around your decisions. Let your heart be real with you. Make space to feel. Is the peace you feel true? It is justified? Your development of your sense of peace is beautiful. Never question what is.”

Sad and Scared

I was in the 3rd grade when I was called anorexic for the first time. I lived with insecurities about myself and about my body for all those years. I told myself the story that my body was wrong for this world, that I was wrong for this world, but still I kept living in it. I was a strong little girl. 

I have a vague memory of someone at school saying something about my voice being so high pitched. My voice was “annoying” to this person and they weren’t afraid to let me know. That was when I couldn’t take it anymore. I was okay with living with the idea that my body was horrible and bothered everyone around me, but my voice too? That was too much for me. It was later that day when I was alone in my room that I found myself staring at a bottle of nail polish remover, wondering if I would feel any better if I drank it. I wanted to feel my throat burn and then I wanted to die. 

Instead of taking action towards that plan, I told my mother about my thoughts. The best thing she knew to do was to bring me to a therapist.

“Honey, if you would have taken a drink of nail polish remover, you wouldn’t have died, you would have seriously injured your throat and you would have had to live with that for the rest of your life,” the therapist said to me. What was her intention in being so logical about this? I had never in my life felt so inadequate. I was in immense emotional pain, pain that no young girl should ever face, and my therapist was telling me that the one thing I felt like doing to ease that pain would have just made things worse. At that moment, I decided to stop trusting myself.

I spent the remaining time in therapy daydreaming about jumping off the end of the ledge I could see from the office window. I was 13 years old at the time.

I wonder if this extreme idea of escape wasn’t a mental illness, but rather communication from my soul saying, “get out. Now.” I always wanted to get out, of life.

Most days after school, I would sit in my closet with the door closed. It was there that I cried, drew, and journaled. It was there that I felt like I could release all of my emotions. It was there, where everything felt okay, even when I was sad and scared.

Me.

What does it mean, to choose yourself?

In this moment, it means noticing my body is wrapped in the towel I placed around it after I showered. I’m cold. 

If I valued my body more than I valued sharing words with the world, I would have an entirely different life. See, I was taught to put work first, over everything. So here I am, uncomfortable, but getting stuff done. Is the discomfort truly necessary? 

I wanted to try something new. I had been putting myself in the most uncomfortable situations all my young adult life, and what did that get me? 

What if my comfort started to matter to me? What if I cared more about me feeling good, than success? When it came to making choices, I wanted to put more energy into being aware of what I was truly feeling, and less energy into what everyone else around me seemed to want for me.

I wanted to learn to choose me.

A New Story Begins

Newly awakened to the power of the life inside of me, I can’t help but regret not knowing myself in this way sooner. I watch and listen as creation starts from inside of me and becomes my reality. 

It’s a habit at this point. Every few days or so, there is a new idea for a movie or book happening from that space. It can happen anywhere, at any time. Delight, real delight comes true to me as the start of a new story begins. The movie script pours into me, characters, storyline, title, and all. Some days, I watch as multiple scenes are acted out. Others, a book is written, published, and shared with the world. It’s magic. I’ve lost myself in the ways of my inner voice. I’ve quit my job, sold my things, and bought a one way ticket to France all because of her. I’ve lived in Florida all my life. Is this what happens when you actually love and care about what’s happening inside of yourself? For 24 years of my life, I’ve lived without knowledge of the power of my inner voice. Someone taught me that it was my conscience and that it could tell me what’s right and what’s wrong. Rarely does my inner voice ever have concerns with telling me what is, however she did share with me that the idea that the only thing inside me was a conscience that told me what was right and wrong, was wrong. What was inside of me, was not an it, it was definitely a she. She could do much more than discern between right and wrong. After traveling the long journey my life has been to come to value this voice, I was ready to receive space to actually witness, hear, and understand this voice. I liked what she had to say, I loved her creations, and the people around me… were distracting me. It was a habit of mine, one I couldn’t discern if it was a good one or a bad one, to put other people above me. I would do anything and everything I could to make the people around me happy. I didn’t want to live like that anymore, but at the same time, I didn’t want to live life serving my own happiness either. I wondered if it was right to be a servant to this inner guide. Or would I learn to serve nothing, to just be? Knowledge of the power within hasn’t exactly given me access to all of the answers like I always thought it would. I didn’t know where I fit in this life and I still didn’t know where the people around me fit into my life either. If they weren’t above me, telling me what to do and how to be, where in my life did they belong? I wasn’t sure. What I was sure of, as I was on my way to entering my 26th year on this earth, was that this was the year that I wanted to see this tiny part of me truly grow. I wanted to see her fully expressed, valued, respected, and loved. She deserved it. I had been blind to the value of this connection to myself for years. It wasn’t until I completely lost contact in 2022, that I recognized that this connection had any value to me. After 2 weeks in Mexico without meditation and with an emotionally abusive boyfriend, I couldn’t hear myself anymore. Were there other people living on this earth without their own inner guidance? If so, how did they survive? I was struggling to. It was hell to live without my inner voice. I started to wonder how many people around me had it, and how many didn’t. I also started to wonder about myself. I had been experiencing something really good going on inside of me, how long had it been there? And how would I get it back?

shrinking

I want to be more free to create. I never wanted to become anything, it has always been about me letting myself come through and been seen.

It’s hard for me to believe that people see beauty when they see me. As I get older, I see more and more wrong with me. I can’t understand how someone would look at me and see beauty. I see great pain and sorrow. I still look. I still love what I see, but to me it is not beauty, it’s pain. Pain is all I can see when I look at me.

I almost deleted that top block of writing. It doesn’t go with the second block. I pressed delete and immediately felt sick. “It doesn’t go with the other paragraph,” I said in my head. “Who cares?” I said back. I can’t edit myself. I hate trying to make sense. I’m dying inside. And I’m supposed to be coming more alive. My light is supposed to be growing. I used to feel like it was. Now, I know I’m shrinking. I don’t know what to do about it other than just be here, watching myself fade away.

FRANCE IN FEBRUARY

I am on the way out of the most epic, intense, fun transformation I have ever embodied in my life.

When I thought of my future… I was clear on 4 things.

1. My rebound wouldn’t be a guy. 
2. I was staying single, for a while. 
3. I was exploring a new country. 
4. A fabulous new job that I could do anywhere in the world was coming my way.

Change in Heart

“It’s okay to feel sad when you’re going through a break-up,” I say to myself, as I take a deep breath a let my heart settle. Love. Partnership. A few months ago, I wanted those things more than anything else in this world. I know I deserve those things, and that I’m good for those things. The opportunities that I have to fall in love with someone else are overflowing. It’s easy for me, to appreciate men and it’s easy for them to appreciate me too. I fall in love with their patterns, the way they feel deeply, the way their minds work, how they spend their time, what they’re passionate about. I love how badly they want to care for others and support others. Now, I know not every man is like this, but these are the men I’ve known, and the men I have fallen in love with, in the past.

Most recently, I fell in love with an older man with two kids. I made the mistake of misjudging my ability to be cautious. I thought I was being cautious. I thought I was asking the right questions, but this connection took me exactly where I was afraid I would go. The place I’m afraid of is a type of certainty. The type of certainty that I’m speaking on makes you feel like the man you’re in love with is the last and only man you will ever love like the way you’re loving him right now. I got to that place quickly with this man.

We met on December third, on a boat. To be completely honest, when I first met him, I was confused by his energy. He wasn’t someone who gave off open, high, or loving energy at all. But, when I looked into his eyes, I was in touch with the same still presence I often resided in before bed and in the morning, in my meditation. I was curious. How was it that I felt so resistant to being close to this man, yet when our eyes locked, getting close to him seemed like the best thing to do?

With our connection growing quickly, I tried to stay as present as I could with God, and with time when I was with this man. I wanted this connection to be protected from my past. I wanted this connection to be good for me. Which I could say that everything is good for me, it’s life, created by God, it always has a purpose. But still, I just wanted it to have the space for this connection be different, fresh, and ultimately better than my past experiences. I thought I had to control life in order to experience the life that I wanted. Do you smell my lack of trust in God’s path coming off the screen??? I felt that in order to control the trajectory of this connection, that presence was key. What I was missing in all of this, was trust. I took on all of the weight of navigating this new part of my life as if I was the creator of it. I thought I was following new patterns… like waiting to sleep with him, asking more questions about him, consciously growing our connection, focusing on getting to know him, as a human being. I thought I knew exactly how to navigate this new love. But without trust in God, knowledge was nothing.

Over time, I lost focus on getting to know God. It was difficult to notice, because it happened so slowly. This man began to take up so much space in my heart, and I had so much focus on attaining what I thought would be the most special experience in my life, that I lost the thing that was truly the most special thing to me, my relationship with my creator. When I was introduced to two of this man’s best friends, I felt like our connection would definitely be long term. I began to develop a false sense of security. He wanted to introduce me to his kids soon, too.

Things were moving fast, faster than we both expected. On December 17th, after an emotionally difficult experience with my Mother, with whom I’ve had a complicated relationship with my entire life, this man and I went to Busch Gardens together. I was excited to forget about what had happened in the afternoon and do something fun. Why not make it even more fun with some sativa/Delta 8? The night was hazy. I threw up. I had unprotected sex that I wouldn’t exactly describe as consensual. But because of the way I felt about this man, I assumed we would have had sex in the future anyways. I let the night go. I wanted to move on. I didn’t want to see that things were headed in a negative direction.

Over the next two weeks, I couldn’t find any sort of calm. One moment I was completely anxious, the next I was detached and numb. I was spiraling. It was during this time that I felt God call me to spend the New Year’s Eve weekend in solitude. It was also conveniently during this time that I was asked to spend the weekend with these new people in my life. New Years Eve weekend was a weekend of alcohol, sex, delta 8, more alcohol, and other drugs, and now we’re here. I touched the lowest places my energy has every occupied in my life, and I know it was needed. I believe that God needed to wake me up to what’s really important in this life. Protecting my health is something I need to invite God to do for me. Protecting my brain, my mind, my perception is something I need to invite God to do for me. Protecting my heart, is something Jesus will do if I just let him hold my heart, instead of clutching onto it myself. I needed to place my trust in Him, to lean not on my own understanding.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I feel so changed from what I just experienced. So, in a way, I am grateful for the heartbreak I’m moving though, because God is now a bigger part of my life than I have ever seen Him be. I don’t waste my breath anymore on skipping over the truth. I know that I won’t compromise my character again. It’s okay to feel sad when you’re going through a break-up. It’s also okay to feel grateful, at peace, and relieved. There is so much to feel. I’m grateful God has gifted me with the opportunity to be alive with all of this. This life of mine is precious to me, and now, I know for sure, how precious my life is to Him too. There’s a plan for all of us, and God is always, always here.

Reconnecting to God

This morning, I began a fast. I feel happier than I have felt in weeks. My heart feels free, lifted, and eternal. I have been alone in my bedroom for hours. I needed this. I’m grateful. I am here to share that God’s Love is greater than any pleasure in this world… even the food we eat. Yes, food is necessary and I will eat again, but through this fast, I’m seeing a new way for me to live in holy union with the wonderful living God. With my connection with Him and His Word stronger than ever, I pray that I am able to always remember that God’s Love is everything to me. God’s Love is my sacred gift, my energizer, my provider, there is nothing this world can give to me, that God’s Grace has not already.

Thank you for witnessing my journey in this way.

God bless you. Happy January 2nd!